Vblog - Protocol & Etiquette in Between China and the US

The Opening Remarks at the CAEA Feb. 2007 Event - Celebrating Refined Leadership and Social Civility

True leaders inspire in whatever context they are in. They find some way to balance their responsibilities and master new things. For everyone who leads or aspires to lead, it is important to have role models from which to draw inspiration. China in particular is finally reaching a place of confidence in its development, which allows people to cultivate additional pursuits (golf, travel, cooking) to their daily grind. Tonight we have someone who embodies this sense of refined leadership. Cooking of course has long been seen as both a labor and a love.

Tonight we profile someone who has managed to cultivate his culinary acumen while consistently succeeding in his primary role as an investor. I think you’ll agree that Henry Wong is a rather unique individual who is not only interested in sharing how he prepares a meal or close a deal . . . but in finding new ways from others as well.

CAEA and the Pride Institute are all about celebrating refined leadership wherever it is found. Henry has graciously offered to make the proceeds of this event available to the Pride Institute and we thank him and all of you, for that. Giving is also a part of staying balanced.

The Pride Institute has helped hundreds Chinese individuals to chart a course for a future of social refinement. Lu Chin is another true leader who balances work and family life with the will to give. Not content to simply donate to charity, she built something, from nothing with her own resources and has personally touched the lives hundreds of individuals. Efforts such as hers push the Chinese people forward.

All of us have seen people spitting in the street, littering, being loud and abrasive and felt compelled to say something. But Lu Chin took that compulsion and built a platform around it to train people who want to know better about international standards of public etiquette. Everyone here tonight can and may benefit from this tireless effort of hers.

In conclusion, this is a leadership event about social refinement which has a particular relevance for China. We’re all leaders. We all take these issues seriously and we all showed initiative in getting here. We care about our community and the society we share. With a passion to contribute let’s turn our attention now to Henry who will hopefully stimulate not only our appetites but our discussions on refinement and sharing, as well.

The Opening Remarks at the CAEA 2006 Thanksgiving Dinner

Dear friends: it is a true pleasure to be here with you tonight. Thank you all for coming to help us celebrate our CAEA one-year anniversary and to participate in our annual Thanksgiving event.

As the name suggests Thanksgiving is about giving thanks. I would like to ask each of you to pause for a second and think about something you are really thankful for in your life.

For me, I would like to thank to the tremendous improvement in US-China relations in my life time. It still has a long way to go but it has made dramatic improvement. My husband told me his father made him watch President Nixon resign as little boy, telling him: "Nixon is a criminal." Meanwhile, 10,000 miles away, my parents were telling me "Chairman Mao is a hero. He is a God". My father was in North Korea for over 7 years and fought Americans in the 50s and my step father-in law was there fighting Chinese soldiers. When the Chinese Embassy got boomed in Belgrade and Chinese spoke of "killing Americans" was spreading in Beijing in 1999, my mother in law was so worried. We all cried on the phone.

That day became my first day to pray for the US – China relations. That's the day I realized I'll be always in between the two countries and two cultures. This feeling has been brought even deeper with a process of raising my three children. Balancing and blending the cultural values of the two cultures have become a daily ritual for me as they are for many of you here tonight. CAEA is a platform for us to explore what is essential and what is mutable in Chinese and American business and social protocol and etiquette. We want to pick the best parts of the two cultures for ourselves and our children.

So tonight is an attempt by Chinese and American people to explore the ritual, understand its protocols and discuss what is best to preserve. Preserve for our next generation. This not only helps Chinese people trying to acclimate to life in the US with an important annual function, but it also gives died-in- the-wool Americans a chance to reflect on how others view this very social holiday.

Protocol may sounds like a fancy way of saying rules to you. And etiquette sounds like highbrow way to say manners. But they are chosen by the society with care. They are the opaque sinews that hold together a business or national culture. I say "opaque" because they can be understood, but they aren't obvious. Each of you here tonight, has spent some amount of your life living in another culture, trying to acclimate. You are a select sub- group in the world. Most people will never know this struggle. You can certainly understand that comprehending the "why?" behind how everything works in a new culture is a long and challenging process.

Once you understand what is going on behind the protocols, you can take the pieces that work for you and train and cultivate yourself so that they can become part of you. When the rules become less opaque, you are empowered to be yourself: a unique integration of your host and parent culture.

That's what we're here for.

So here we are at Thanksgiving. It is a wonderful holiday to look at. While it is a quintessentially American holiday, it is, like America itself, remarkably inclusive. CAEA wants to make Thanksgiving dinner its annual event – family and friends coming together acknowledging all they have to be thankful for, and all they still want to achieve. This celebration of tradition is universal to every culture. In particular it symbolizes our common struggle of strengthening US China relations, for ourselves and for the next generation. Look at all we have to be thankful for, and look how far we have to go.

Welcome to our feast!

The Welcoming Remarks at Vincent's Private Dinner

I was very privileged to be a co-MC (Master of Ceremony) at the private cocktail/dinner event for Mr. Vincent Lo, Chairman and CEO of Shui On Group.  Many of the guests offered their great complements to the welcoming remarks which Mr. Tommy Li from Shui On and I had worked out together.  I’d like to share this with every one here in the hope that it will inspire each of us to participate in preserving and building the Chinese civilization with an innovative and entrepreneurial spirit in today’s global economy.

Tommy: Ladies and Gentleman, distinguished guests, it is my pleasure to welcome you this evening to a remarkable event.  My name is Tommy Li.

Vida:  My name is Vida Zhang Fargis.  It’s my pleasure to be here tonight.  Looking out I am glad to see so many familiar faces.  Those of us who live in the Bay Area are so privileged to have an abundance of events at our disposal, testifying to the emergence of Chinese civilization.  Every week there are events from countless of groups focused on this or that aspect or that of China's great modernization. 

Tommy: But I must tell you veterans of Silicon Valley community that tonight is distinct.  Why? 

Vida:  Tonight we have a chance to consider China's modernization in stark contrast.  Tonight we have, if I may, a tale of two cities.  In that I'm not referring to the London or the Paris of Charles Dickens and the 19th century.  I'd like for us, to consider two cities at the heart of the 21st century, Shanghai, and Beijing.  Two cities. 

Tommy: Like many of you, I have lived in both.  They are both fundamental touchstones of the Chinese civilization.   They are international reference points that we all share, irrespective of nationality.

Vida: I met my husband in the prior and I conceived my second child in the latter.  Beijing

is China’s cultural epicenter.  I last lived there in the year 2000, in a refurbished hutong near Jiaodaokou.  A few blocks from our home was the timeless, misty home of courtesouns and court officials from centuries gone by . . . Houhai.  I'm sure many of you have enjoyed a quiet walk around Houhai and Qianhai and marveled at its ability to evoke.  While I was there it was still, somehow preserved. Today . . . Houhai today is, I'm afraid, something very different.  It’s different from what I remembered.  It’s different from what I would expect to see.  One of the premier culture heritage sites our nations’ capital is disappeared.  What you see there today is a collection of noisy bars, flash lights and blatant immodesty.   Heritage disappearing ….

Tommy: Meanwhile, in Dickensian terms, across the Channel, there is another city in modern China.  Like any city worth its name, it is far from perfect.  Shanghai has issues, blights and challenges that could fill a library.  However, there is in that city a marvelous manifestation of modernization, with class.  Emergence with distinction.  Development with dignity.  Shanghai Xin Tian Di, is, as I'm sure any of you who have visited the neighborhood would attest, a marvel of modernization.  Shangahi Xintiandi is a place where East meets West, Old meets New, Tradition meets Inspiration and Culture meets Excitement.  Here is a way forward, which honors the past.  Here is integration where one plus one really is three, or four!  Here is something to aspire to.

Vida: Tonight we welcome Mr. Vincent Lo and Shui On Land, the developer of Shnaghai Xintiandi, who have spear-headed one of the most remarkable contributions to the Chinese Renaissance that I can identify.  Fortunately Vincent and Shui On are ambitious.  Fortunately they do not choose to rest on their laurels.  Fortunately they are leading a new project of even greater ambition now in Shanghai, KIC – Knowledge & Innovation Community.

Tommy: KIC is inspired by the technological innovation and entrepreneurial spirit of Silicon Valley in the United States and the cultural ambience found in the Left Bank of Paris.  Many successful Chinese professionals who work in Silicon Valley have grown accustomed to a life of sophisticated internationalism.  They are sensitive about scarifying this life style when they consider returning to life in mainland China.  Tonight, is significant, because, our hosts introduce to us all this evening, a vision for true intellectual internationalism in mainland China.  KIC is the manifestation of the Silicon Valley vision in Shanghai – Connecting Shang Hai & Silicon Valley! 

Vida: Each of us here tonight are very fortunate to consider Shui On Land’s latest effort on KIC, not only for our own business and personal possibilities, of which there are no doubt many.  But please, pause for a second and join me in welcoming a representative of Chinese civilization who has done more than most to steward development with dignity and integration with the West that teaches at the same time in learns.  Join me in welcoming Mr. Vincent Lo.  

End.

Don’t a husband and wife have to sit next to each other at a business function?

I think you’d likely have a quick answer to that question. “No.” You’d probably laugh if you were pressed by a guest with this type of question at an event. Seating next to your spouse should never be assumed.

However, it isn’t obvious to everyone, as I’ll explain. For those of us who consider questions of etiquette and protocol in an intercultural context, it is particularly important, to avoid these sorts of assumptions.

According to Western context and international diplomatic protocol, seating of guests proceeds according to relative importance, not gender. Letitia Baldrige, who was served in the American embassies in Paris and Rome, and was Jacqueline Kennedy’s Chief of Staff, recommends to following with regards to seating: “the sexes seated alternatively, husbands and wives separated (even at separate tables), with the priorities of protocol. For a meal with spouses, each person’s spouse assumes the rank of his or her mate and is given a “high seat” accordingly.”

Ms. Baldridge continues, that this is a standard procedure with for all Western countries and one that has been adopted by many other cultures internationally, when foreign visitors are present.

Recently I helped to plan and organize a high profile event in Silicon Valley. At the last minute there was a request from someone who wanted to sit next to her husband. She had been provided seating at a different table. My team and I tried our best to meet this guest’s request but at the same time, we were reluctant to disrupt something, which had been so carefully planned. There were a pre-set number of guests at each table. This seemingly “small” request from one guest would actually require explanation and impose inconvenience on all the other people who would have to be moved and shifted to accommodate this person.

While we were wondering why it was this guest wanted to sit next to her husband, someone suggested: “She’s Chinese and not used to the Western style of seating arrangement.”

I thought about that for some time. The event was taking place in Silicon Valley, thought it was hosted by a Chinese company and over 80% of the guests were of Chinese decent. So how do we assert one idea of protocol over another?

While I am not going to comment on whether cultural background is the root cause of this particular example, I would say, that it is better to confirm with all the guests who are coming as couples, before the event and to explain the seating arrangement. In my experience this is particularly important when we dealing with an international clientele. Let the guests know the particulars of the arrangement and why it is structured this way. When providing the explanation, be careful to do it in a way that speaks to the sophistication of everyone involved, particularly those who may already well-understand this custom.

Before you leave the house in the morning, and head off to your business day . . .

Wow. Last night's blog really seems to have started a lot of discussion. This is great to see. On the one hand we had so many people say "hey, that's not me. I WASH MY CLOTHES!!!" Cool. I'm glad to hear it. I never said that body odor and stale clothing was a Chinese phenomena. Its a universal problem. But I've got to tell you, a lot of those people who wrote in excusing themselves, were women. I gotta tell you, I was directing that blog mainly at the men. It's the gentlemen who mainly need to watch these issues.

Guys . . . In addition to the basics of shower and laundry let me add a few key tips to consider, before you leave the house in the morning, and head off to your business day . . .

Brush your teeth and have breath mints: If you have breakfast at home and then dash out without brushing your teeth, you stand the risk of having foul breath. This is all the same if you have coffee or lunch and don't have something to kill the foul breath. Always have breath mints. My preference in the Listerine Tabs that evaporate in your mouth. I don't like to walk around with the loud shaking sound of mints. Listerine Tabs make no noise in your pocket and unlike gum are not too noisy to chew or inconvenient to dispose of. Chose your own poison, but don't leave home without it! Bad breath is a drag and the choice is yours.

Clip your nostril hairs: Gentleman, it looks horrible if you've got leaves coming out of your nose. Clip your nose hairs with a scissor so we don't have to look at all the roots protruding from you nasal passages. Clip those nose hairs.

Watch for the snow storm! Friends of the male persuasion: If you have black hair and wear a black suit watch out for the snow drift. "Dandruff" or dead scalp skin flakes that fall from one's head can make a pair of shoulders in a good suit look absolutely ridiculous. First, use the right shampoo - anti dandruff shampoo like "Head and Shoulders" if it is an issue for you. Next, please check in the mirror every hour or so and see if there is a winter storm watch in effect. If so, brush off the snow and do yourself and everyone else, a favor. No one wants to look at all the flakes on your shoulders and if you're too excited about whatever it is you are doing (your pitch, your product, your performance), you may miss the ski slope on your shoulders. Keep the snow from falling, by avoiding shaking your head.

A little cologne goes a long way: Smelling like three-day old laundry is bad business. But smelling like half a bottle of cologne is no quick upgrade. Men, please . . . one, or at most two shots of cologne behind your back, shot one to two feet from the body will (assuming you've chosen a reasonable fragrance) make you smell dandy. However if you douse yourself in a fragrance, you can easily make yourself smell like a bad joke. People want the faint hint of your scent, not a frontal assault. Remember, a little can and will take care of you for a long time.

For ladies interested in this topic, please click here.

Lao Ban? Can I expense laundry on this business trip?

Bottom line: If you’re on a business trip for your company, you are an ambassador, and you can’t smell bad.

I was at a big technology show in the North East USA. I had an appointment to meet up with some director level guys from a famous Chinese startup, gone big. After a bit of phone tag we finally got together in the main lobby. I walked over and extended my hand to shake. Then, it hit me. The smell. Let’s call them Xiao Li, Xiao Liu and Lao Ma. These guys had significant positions of responsibility in a premier Chinese technology company. They’d beat out millions for the positions in school to allow them to compete for these positions in business. Their company had flown them 12,000 miles to attend this conference. And they smelled like two week old laundry.

What happened?

Well, they hadn’t thought to do their laundry. They probably passed on a shower that morning, as well. They obviously didn’t think it mattered. I obviously thought it did. And realistically, most people at the show, who exchanged more then five words with them, must have noticed . . . they had foul body odor.

Whose to blame here?

First off any international professional has to take responsibility for his or her self. It has to start with the individual. If you don’t address personal hygiene, others will notice. On international business, wear fresh clothes everyday, and shower everyday. If you don’t people will notice.

Secondly, there is a systemic problem with Chinese companies that are “penny wise and pound foolish.” I suspect that this company did not encourage these guys to pay for laundry services on their business trips. “What? Pay $35.00 for laundry on your expense report? NO WAY. Wash your clothes in the sink! Save the company money!” That’s fine for the $35.00 you save, but what about the damage to your brand? Chinese and other companies from newly industrialized economies must realize that these costs are small compared to the potential damage from public perceptions of foul smelling ambassadors. You spent over $12,000.00 to fly them over the ocean and put them up in a hotel. Encourage them to get their clothes cleaned. Expense it!

Finally, the fault lies with me and perhaps with you. I held my nose and said nothing. These weren’t my friends or family. It wasn’t my responsibility. But they were my countrymen. They were Chinese ambassadors. And I did feel embarrassed for them and for my country. I perhaps, should have had the courage to raise the matter, however discretely. In this case, I bowed out and thought about the matter quietly. But certainly, the more brave thing, might have been to say something, in a direct way. How else are we all to grow?

A Few Points to Consider

- Western companies expect high levels of personal hygiene. This is not to be confused with “Silicon Valley Casual.” Personal hygiene does not mean wearing a suit. And you can wear a suit and still smell bad! Personal hygiene has to do with regular washing of ones body, hair and clothes.

- Chinese may not be accustomed to changing their clothes everyday. While a change of clothes is certainly encouraged, if for whatever reason one can’t, one must be sure to clean their clothes, before wearing them twice. Washing in the sink is not likely to be sufficient. It may sound pedantic, but please, just because it smells OK to you doesn’t mean it doesn’t smell LIKE YOU to everyone else.

- I once heard a European friend with one of the big four accounting firms (Beijing office) saying “it’s just hard for me to click with Chinese colleagues at my office. They wear the same clothing every day and don’t change.” Consider how off-putting it can be to others, to maintain what seems like reasonable habits. It’s your image. Do what you like, but beware of the consequences.

Historically China suffered from so many issues which have imbued such behavior as normal among many Chinese people. Our parents grew up in war time, our resources were scarce, we learned to cope with so little and there were more important things to worry about than how one smelled. But if the world is truly flat today, and global competition is allowing for things our parents would never have dreamed of, than we must analyze this new level playing field. Taking a bath everyday and changing ones clothes everyday is what is normal in the eyes of the westerners. If you’re going to venture out into the land of “westerners” and do business with them, on their terms, you’d better understand the impact you have with your unwitting behavior.

We all bring the habits inherited from family and society into our modern personal and professional life. We must retain our sense of dignity and distinction. But we can not compromise a certain degree of accommodation, in order to deal effectively and equally with others at an international level.

“Room service? I have some laundry for pickup . . .”