Is This Chinese Candor or a Cultural Handicap?

Pam, a good friend of mine recently came back to the Bay Area from Taiwan with her family.  She told me that her daughter had a tough time in Taiwan.

“How come?” I asked.

“People are too direct.  In Taiwan they tell her right in front of her face that she’s fat and needs to lose weight.” Pam said.

“Oh no. Don’t say that . . .”  I said, shaking head with desperation.  Regrettably, I know just what she means.   

“My family said this to her.  My friends used this language too. People I didn’t even know on the street told her she was fat.  It’s so terrible, rude and cruel to use such language to a nine year-old girl.  Why do they do that?  I hate it, hate it hate it!” Pam said with anger and desperation.

I TOTALLY hear you Pam.  I share your pain as a mother.  I too struggle as someone who lives between two cultures.

In my own life I’ve experienced similar rudeness with my older five-year old daughter after we moved to Hong Kong from San Francisco.

Story one:

A few days in a row, my daughter came home saying the Chinese words for “big fat” (Da Pang Zi).  I asked here where she learned these words.

“People in the play ground said I am a Da Pang Zi.” She told me.

Story two:

My babysitter told me that some people had said that my younger daughter is prettier than my older one in the play ground right in front of my older daughter.

“Mom, do you think Siena (my younger daughter) is really prettier than me?” My older daughter asked me with a sad tone.

Needless to say, I am mad and angry with these oafs who choose their words so carelessly.  Sometimes it does feel hopeless, trying to protect my children from this sort of Chinese bluntness in the vast world of Greater China.

“My mom said people do this is out of good will.  They hope you will look better.  They mean nothing harmful.” My friend Pam said.

As matter of fact, these people have hurt Pam, me and our daughters with something they are not even aware of.  They may not know any better, but they are abusive, nonetheless.

“It seems people there (Taiwan) have less tolerance of other people’s differences.  I feel like we have a different sense of what is right and what is wrong.” Pam said.

I think that’s absolutely true.  My perceptions of what is acceptable have been fundamentally altered by my time outside of Greater China.  With regards to my daughter’s case it is simply ridiculous for anyone to use the word “fat”.  She’s tall for her age and looks as if she’s seven when she is in fact only five.  She seems big, particularly compared to most of the Chinese kids who are relatively smaller physically.  Needless to say she is gorgeous in her own way, just as my younger daughter is.  Each have their own unique beautiful features and comparing on relative beauty is a waste of oxygen.   

I am speaking for myself and for my friend Pam.  We were hurt in a manner, which is nearly impossible to describe as a mother.  Accordingly, I’d like to call for a cultural moratorium on adults using derogatory language when they speak to children.  It’s not only Chinese who do this of course.  But we can collectively ask ourselves for a higher standard of mutual support and discretion.

I would like to see all the relevant media organs: TV, radio, magazines, newspapers, web ports, etc., in Taiwan, Hong Kong & Mainland China to ask for a higher standard from our civilization.  The message should be –

No one has the right to put a child down, period.  Stop using such language!

People like Pam and myself grew up within a culture where we hear people said things like this all the time, but somehow, we learned how to deal with it as adults.  We’re familiar with it and we can filter out such put-down.   We have our own immunization system to protect us from idiotic words like this.  .

But how can you expect a young child of five or nine to protect herself from it?

Comments

[Keating]

Very interesting post. Why do you think that your perspective changed so much after being away from China?

[Vida]

Thanks.

Have linked your web site to my blog - in the recommended link section.

[China Law Blog]

Right on!