Chinese Modesty or Fishing-for-Compliments?

I went to a parent – teacher conference at my son’s school last night.  There were six parents sitting at a table with one schoolteacher, (let’s call her Ms. Teacher) in attendance.  “Ms. Teacher” is an American and the school is an American curriculum high school in Hong Kong.

“How’s my son?” One of the Chinese parents asked Ms. Teacher.

“He’s a terrible senior student, right?” said the parent again before getting any reply form the teacher.

“How could say your own son is terrible?  He is your son.”  Someone said with a laughing voice in a Middle Eastern accent. 

Every one laughed.  But the parent who asked the question looked very serious waiting for an answer from Ms. Teacher.

“He’s doing great.  He is very social, and he works hard.”  Said Ms Teacher with enthusiasm and encouragement.

As someone who is almost addicted to observe any and all intercultural events, I asked Ms. Teacher how she felt about this parent’s modest question.

“Ho, I’ve been in Hong Kong for about 35 years and quite used to deal with Chinese parents.  That’s not really Chinese modesty.  Instead, I think he was fishing for a compliment.  What he wanted to hear is how good his son is.” Said Ms. Teacher.

Do we outwardly insist upon the worst in the hopes of confirming something better?  I’d be interested to know what you think.

Comments

[Bing]

Hi Vida,

I can identify your frustration. In most Chinese regions though, the word "fat" still has the connotation of being good fortune (fa fu). The culture-conditioned outlook of women’s shape has a long ancient history. In China, women being chubby were celebrated for a long time, starting the Tang Dynasty (ie, Yang Gui Fen’s plumy look).

Having said that, in Hong Kong, the contemporary Western notion of “skinny is beautiful” might take its hold. Body Shop did a worldwide campaign to promote all shaped woman in 1999, where weighty women were celebrated in the ads including inside Hong Kong malls and on their buses.

The point I am trying to make is – many cultural prejudices are very conditioned. I would teach my child to ignore what others think of them. Other people’s comments, in your face or at your back, reflect more of their own upbringing, often unsophisticated. I would teach my child focusing on her own strength and build up confidence of their own image. I would also remind my child what comes within is far more important of what looks outside.

Cheers,bing

[Jodi Neufeld]

Speaking of modifying behavior, have you seen this article?

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/09/22/world/asia/22elites.html?hp&ex=1158984000&en=2d73e6f6f7aa0a43&ei=5094&partner=homepage