Don’t a husband and wife have to sit next to each other at a business function?

I think you’d likely have a quick answer to that question. “No.” You’d probably laugh if you were pressed by a guest with this type of question at an event. Seating next to your spouse should never be assumed.

However, it isn’t obvious to everyone, as I’ll explain. For those of us who consider questions of etiquette and protocol in an intercultural context, it is particularly important, to avoid these sorts of assumptions.

According to Western context and international diplomatic protocol, seating of guests proceeds according to relative importance, not gender. Letitia Baldrige, who was served in the American embassies in Paris and Rome, and was Jacqueline Kennedy’s Chief of Staff, recommends to following with regards to seating: “the sexes seated alternatively, husbands and wives separated (even at separate tables), with the priorities of protocol. For a meal with spouses, each person’s spouse assumes the rank of his or her mate and is given a “high seat” accordingly.”

Ms. Baldridge continues, that this is a standard procedure with for all Western countries and one that has been adopted by many other cultures internationally, when foreign visitors are present.

Recently I helped to plan and organize a high profile event in Silicon Valley. At the last minute there was a request from someone who wanted to sit next to her husband. She had been provided seating at a different table. My team and I tried our best to meet this guest’s request but at the same time, we were reluctant to disrupt something, which had been so carefully planned. There were a pre-set number of guests at each table. This seemingly “small” request from one guest would actually require explanation and impose inconvenience on all the other people who would have to be moved and shifted to accommodate this person.

While we were wondering why it was this guest wanted to sit next to her husband, someone suggested: “She’s Chinese and not used to the Western style of seating arrangement.”

I thought about that for some time. The event was taking place in Silicon Valley, thought it was hosted by a Chinese company and over 80% of the guests were of Chinese decent. So how do we assert one idea of protocol over another?

While I am not going to comment on whether cultural background is the root cause of this particular example, I would say, that it is better to confirm with all the guests who are coming as couples, before the event and to explain the seating arrangement. In my experience this is particularly important when we dealing with an international clientele. Let the guests know the particulars of the arrangement and why it is structured this way. When providing the explanation, be careful to do it in a way that speaks to the sophistication of everyone involved, particularly those who may already well-understand this custom.