Vblog - Protocol & Etiquette in Between China and the US

Ghosts, Fengshui and being Chinese with my German friend

Acclimating to America can be tough. We all know it. We all live it. There are a thousand little things that make day to day life as a foreigner in the USA difficult. For Chinese Americans in the Bay Area this takes on a certain flavor. At least we have a robust community to draw upon for reference. But even with this it is taxing to work through the mores of the dominant culture.

And that is why I found it so interesting to be over in Hong Kong recently, speaking with Ms. Christa Koch-Kessler, a seasoned hotelier with more than 20 years' experience of stylish entertaining in Asia and Europe. Christa runs an etiquette consultancy - ClassAct. While I was speaking with her about the challenges she had in establishing her operation in Hong Kong, I was struck by how familiar it seemed to me and my life in California.

Christa is from Germany. She first went to China seventeen years ago to do a short project with a large international hotel group. She arrived in 1989. “I arrived to turn around a project quickly and never left, although I never intended to stay. As a result, I never really learned to speak Chinese. I always said I was going next year, or the year after that. But in the end I never left.” She has been working in the region ever since her first arrival, and over time has developed an exceptional facility to work across cultures despite her language barrier.

“How did I survive? I learned to deal with them (the Chinese) by adopting to the way they think. To see where they were coming from and convincing them to allow me to lead. I used the way they think to secure the authority to be in charge.” she said.

I thought this perspective was amazing. Besides being an insightful look into business management in general, this really rings a bell for me, as someone who works with trying to adjust to America. We Chinese Americans are always trying to “adopt to the way they think.” And some of us are more successful than others at it. And it is important for us to have confidence in our own culture and leverage that to drive acceptance of what we do and how we do it.

Indeed, she actually took it further than I would have at first imagined. When I was discussing my new apartment in Hong Kong, she asked me if I’d hired a geomancer to check for the buildings feng shui. “Feng Shui?” I told her that I’d love to but this was not at the top of my list of must-do things for my trip. When I said that I was looking for antique furniture, she mentioned that it was rare for her to meet a Chinese person who was willing to buy antique furniture. Most Chinese, she continued, were worried that the furniture might have ghosts. Spirits somehow associated with the various pieces could be lurking about. This is like listening to my Auntie, as a child, I explained. Half jokingly, I commented that she seemed more Chinese than me . . .

Here was a woman who had really “gone native.” She had adopted local customs and perspectives in a way that was completely foreign to me. In general it’s always the case that the new comers try to adopt to the host environment, and the dominant culture. It doesn’t matter if one is a Chinese in Silicon Valley or an American in Shanghai everyone wants to fit in.

Is it “Yes” or “No.”

This is a real story happened to one of my friends, Mr. Greg (not his real name).  His whole position at his job was threatened because he couldn’t say “yes” or “no.”  Could anything really be that simple? 

Well, Mr. Greg was a salesman and when his boss would ask him, if he could deliver on something he would always reply with something other than “yes” or “no”.  Instead he would say “I ought to be able to.”  Or “Its going to be difficult” or “Maybe”.  Every time Mr. Greg would respond like this and his boss would go through the roof.  “Look, is it Yes, or NO? Are you going to do it or NOT?”

Mr. Greg is a nice guy and he is good with words, but in this case his wordiness was doing him a disservice.  The boss would regularly have to ask him to clarify his response with a yes or no answer.  Eventually the boss began to think he had a problem.  “He’s been with us for four months now and he doesn’t know how to deal with me.  Look I’m busy.  I can’t spell it out any clearer for this guy.”

I saw what was going on with Mr. Greg and the boss and it pained me.  Mr. Greg is a capable sales guy with a lot of passion.  The issue seemed to have such a simple solution.  I spoke with him about it and asked him:  Why don’t you just say yes, or no when he asks you.  His reply was interesting.  He said: “Its never that simple”

I thought that was illuminating.  “It may not be that simple for you, Mr. Greg, but it is that simple for your boss.  He doesn’t want the details; he wants to know whether you are going to make it happen or not.  He won’t slam you if you can’t.  But don’t stay on the fence.  Let him know, so he can move on.”

We talked for a while and I finally made the point that your boss is a busy guy.  You’ve got to come to him with solutions, not problems.  Come to him with recommendations.  Even if they aren’t perfect, suggestions for action are better than hand wringing about how things aren’t going to work.  If they CAN’T work and you know it, better tell the boss straight away, rather than later.   Meanwhile, Mr. Greg is working on his one-word answers.

What’s the moral of the story?

1. Communication, communication & communication – learn how to communicate with people and deliver your message in the right context.
2. Manage people’s expectation.
3. Be careful with the language you use.  Listen closely to people about what they may expect from you and chose your words carefully. 

Sometimes we do fall on something that seems small and not that significant i.e. “yes” or “no.”  We are all human beings and have our likes and dislikes on the small things.  And our decision making process is chaotic and back and forth, zigzagging between feelings, thoughts, facts, and analysis.  No exceptions with the CEOs and your boss.  You may offend them by saying or doing things at a dinner table, lunch event, or any other social functions.  And you don’t even know they may not like you any more.

Related Link:

how to communicate with your boss and other key decision makers at a social function?

Do you sell etiquette watches?

(This blog is also published at CAEA -Chinese American Etiquette Association blog site.)

I was caught off guard when a gentleman asked me this question recently. I was at a social gathering in the SF Bay Area and trying to explain what the CAEA – Chinese American Etiquette Association is all about.

“Etiquette? What is etiquette?” He asked.
I translated the word of “etiquette” into Chinese after I failed in my first attempt to explain it in English.

“Ahh, I see. You sell gift items and provide Miss Etiquette (an equivalent of Miss China) to people who may have a restaurant grand openings.” He said with his head nodding.

“Do you sell etiquette watches? I need one for my daughter’s graduation.” He added..

Sadly, many of my mainland Chinese peers living in Silicon Valley, have the same mind set. The word etiquette conjures associations with beauty contests and cheap trinkets. Well, how can I blame their naiveté? This is what my nation promotes at large. The Ministry of Culture is behind the nation-wide competition: “China Etiquette Culture Competition” our mainland version of Miss America. As always, we still have a long way to go.

I am just wondering how the international community would comment on this “China Etiquette Culture Competition.” I suppose it is a fascinating point of discussion onto itself. During the Cultural Revolution, women like Liu Shao Qi’s wife were attacked for wearing “rocket shoes” with pointed toes, or necklaces and the like. Today, the “China Etiquette Culture Competition” could be seen as a form of progress. But to me it a grinding reminder of how far we have to go.

My question is how much this mind set is going to be changed as China emerges as an economic powerhouse? The 2008 Olympic has injected a big motivation for Chinese government calling for a “Manners Movement” with $2.5 million in funding for an etiquette campaign in Beijing. Despite the Movement’s purpose of saving global face, it is a step in the right direction.

“Manners Movement” will, to some extent, improve a basic etiquette understanding i.e. no spitting, no littering, no more slurping of soup, no coughing, belching or passing gas at the table etc. This all get my vote! This can certainly be improved among the general public in China. But incorporating a set of etiquette rules into one’s daily living and internalizing the etiquette value with one’s life has its own challenges in China.

Comparing those who can enjoy a free etiquette education in China, many of our Chinese fellows in the US have been left out and hanging around somewhere in between China and the US with no one to turn to for an etiquette guidance. As a result, they lack of a basic understanding of what etiquette is. This might be very true in the Chinese engineering community in the Silicon Valley.

Of course, there are some exceptional people out there in the community. Just two days ago, I struck up a conversation about etiquette with Max Hwang, who works at Baynote, at the Huayuan event of “The Art of Peak Performance in Public Speaking”.

“That’s really important part of self development.” Max said after I explained what CAEA stood for CAEA.

“I am just curious, how did you learn about this etiquette concept?” I asked.

“My CEO is really into it. He incorporates etiquette value into our company culture. As a matter of fact, I am here today attending the event because of him. He said I should come and it’s worthwhile.” Max said.

It turned out Max’s CEO is Jack Jia at Baynote. And Jack is currently the President of Huayuan. I’ve attended at least two events where Jack was a keynote speaker and was very impressed by his articulation for his version and leadership. He definitely stands out as someone who is very polished in giving a public speech and poses the leadership skills and mind set in the community.

I am curious to see how Jack would inject the etiquette culture and value into Huyuan. Under his leadership, I’ll definitely receive fewer questions about “etiquette watches.”