My Farewell Party

Back in the spring of 1998 when my husband and I were living Boston, we both took job offers with Motorola Electronics China respectively and decided to leave Boston for China. His family held a farewell party for us in New York City. There were over 30 people and every one of them had tons of fun, except me. Why? Well, I expected every one of them would come up to me and speak to me with something like “congratulations on your new job,” etc. Some of them did, but not everyone. I thought whoever had not done this was really disrespectful to me.

I still remember how unhappy or even angry I was as the party stretched towards midnight with no end in sight. I pulled my husband to the side and said “look, tell people they need to go. I can’t stand it anymore. This is a party for you and me not for them. They shouldn’t turn it into a time for them to all just catch up.”

There are plenty of party etiquette issues that could be addressed here, but I am not going to get into it just now. Instead, I wanted analyze how my Chinese expectation of a farewell party changed when confronted by American individualism and attendant informality. I would have had a different feeling if the party were taking place today after having lived in the US for nearly a decade. I would be prepared to handle a group of Americans at a party setting. Today I’d dive right in. But back then, I wasn’t yet ready to swim. I had only been in the US for two years, and there were many things, I didn’t understand.

At the New York party, many of my husband’s friends brought along friends of their own, whom I was two degrees removed from. They were cheerfully enjoyed the food and drink, and quite a few of them went on the roof enjoying the night view of New York City. They didn’t return downstairs until they were ready to leave. I thought all of these people were rude for ignoring the party theme and the party hosts.

Individualism and informality have seemingly removed all sense of hierarchy and respect for authority, from the lives of Americans. This is in direct opposition to my Confucian values. I am imbued with a set of hierarchical values, such as respecting your elders and kow tow-ing to the hosts if it is you who are the guest. I was expecting every guest at my farewell party to come up to me and acknowledge my existence. I was frustrated when some people didn’t do it. But I couldn’t explain the way they behaved. All I could say at that time was “well, this is America and they are very different.”

What would I do differently if I were going to have another farewell party? I would make a list of people I would like to invite and send out my personal invitations. Once I knew who was coming, I would prepare welcoming remarks for the beginning of the party and be sure to introduce myself to everyone who came. I wouldn’t wait for other people to come up to engage me; instead, I would go up to them, making them aware of my existence. Taking a leadership role and demonstrating ownership for my life is something I have learned in the US. Passively waiting for other people to acknowledge you could be fatal experiment with your life.

For me the American experience is a blend with my Chinese foundation. There is no reason to waste time in America waiting for Americans to act Chinese. And why should I deny that I have learned many important things here, as well. I needn’t completely negate either experience. Instead, I try to integrate my core values with the best of what I learn as I proceed through my life. These days my empowered, American identity would engage a party proactively, discerning politeness and acknowledging respect where I found it, rather than sulking about how no one saw the things that should have been obvious to me. What better way to inform them of the proper way to behave at a party with a Chinese hostess . . .

Comments

[Vida]

Thanks Pearl. I like you used the phrase of "no-common-sense free loaders out there". And they are good at turning a party into something they can have a fun with.

[Pearl Ulrich]

Hi Vida,

I have to say that the people didn't come to acknowledge you were extremely rude. Individualism and informality were no excuses for people of any ethnicity to behave like that. Now we know the importance of a "screened" guest list, we should avoid the "free for all" kind of party, there are plenty of no-common-sense free loaders out there, don't let them spoil your party!

[Vida]

Thanks Helen. This is how we are going to build our community and society for our children with the best of the both worlds.

[Helen Wang]

Vida,

This is interesting... Now I know I will definitely come to you at your party to acknowledge you :-) (just kidding). I think our American experience blended with our Chinese foundation will make us fuller and richer, and we have the benefit of getting the best of the both worlds.