An inappropriate dinner party gift is –
1. nothing
2. flowers
3. cookies or candy
4. alcohol
Answer: b
Many people were puzzled by the answer and asked me “what’s wrong with taking flowers to a dinner party?” Mr. Axel Merk, a European gentlman, manager of the Merk Hard Currency Fund was one of them. I though it would be interesting to share the email exchange between Mr. Merk and myself on this topic.
Mr. Merk: Hi Vida, after read about your blog I have a question for you – What's wrong with taking flowers to a dinner party?
Vida: Well, the argument is 1) if you bring flowers the host will have to put down whatever he/she is doing to arrange the flowers in a vase - this creates more work for the host. 2) what if the host does not have a pretty vase handy? What if other guests also bring flowers? Particularly if you attend a formal and big dinner, the flowers may not be considered as the most proper gift by the host.
Mr. Merk: Regarding flowers. Interesting what you say - I wonder whether that's the practical American culture. Often, I see that similar cultures are at times more difficult to understand than very different cultures. You take things for granted, when there are subtle differences (being married to a Finn, I know what I'm talking about). In the case of flowers - when I grew up, my parents would not go to a dinner party without taking flowers along. My generation is more likely to take wine, but flowers are still very much appreciated. For the younger generation, if one brings flowers, it is very much accepted for the guests to help get the flowers ready in the vase. For larger parties, one often has help that would take care of the flowers, so that the host doesn't have to do it herself. Partly because it is very common in Europe, there tend to be enough vases around.
Having said that, the truly well mannered guests do not take flowers, but send flowers ahead of time; or, as an alternative, after the party. When flowers arrive during the day before an evening party, there is no inconvenience during the reception. More important than what you bring is that you don't arrive early.
A few days later, I asked Mr. Merk if I could share his thoughts with my blog readers, and he added the following:
Mr. Merk: some more thought on the issue, it is only appropriate to bring flowers to a larger party if you are fairly sure that there will be staff to take care of them; otherwise, sending them ahead or afterwards is the appropriate avenue. Reflecting on smaller parties a little more, it does depend on your judgment of whether you will be providing more joy or hassle with the flowers. Given that you deal with very different cultures, you may not have encountered the other issue I raised much: how to treat someone from a similar culture. The fine points between cultures are often a point of contentions as they are ignored as irrelevant.
Conclusion: unless you really know the host well and know there will be enough vase around, flowers may not considered as the most appropriate gift for a dinner party. Wine and chocolate would be very much appreciated by your American hosts.
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