Vblog - Protocol & Etiquette in Between China and the US

Engrish in Asia

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Japanese agricultural ministry’s decision to send food experts to Los Angeles

As world we’re confused. Sometimes I’m amused by how purity and innovation play themselves out in the culinary world, in particular. Americans enjoy “Chinese food” that one could never find in China. Chinese put potato chips on the menu as desert and happily serve their clientele food that no one would call desert in the west. And hey, confusion sells, and purity so last-century . . . but still I wonder where all this culinary relativism is taking us.

Fortunately Japan is not taking this lying down. I was particularly amused recently by the story of the Japanese agricultural ministry’s decision to send food experts to Los Angeles to more than 500 places serving Japanese cuisine to assess the authenticity of what they serve. This is rich. Set aside the Japanese prime minister’s recent unfortunate attempts to dodge the authenticity of the Comfort Women issue, comparing forced prostitution to a cafeteria service. Japan needs to protect its culinary IP, just as Hollywood doesn’t want pirated copies of Scarface selling for a buck-a-pop, in Beijing.

In my opinion, Japan should revel in the fact that it is so difficult to find “authentic” Sushi outside of Japan. Why send the foodie police after the far-flung bento-box lunch sets of the world? Relax. You can’t get sushi as good as what you get in Japan anywhere else, period. Japan’s already elevated by the reality of cheap imitation. But people want the “tradition” preserved. That may be a fine impulse. But why should anyone stop anyone else from innovating with a tradition. Food traditions are not meant to be held fast in time. They are meant to be built upon.

Imagine if Florentine pizza makers coming to Brooklyn to cite the violations by kinsmen pizza makers, let alone those of thousands of Greek or Mexican pizzerias. It’s all untenable. Its all wonderful. Its all so confused. I’m glad we have both traditionalists and pioneers when it comes to food. That’s exactly how I like my music.

Encouraging the “civilized spiting” from Chinese government to push the 2008 Olympic Etiquette Campaign

Like placing French fries on the desert menu and adding ice and juice into wine, here is another fascinating and disappointing example of China etiquette issues for us all to consider.

Apparently, Beijing has now placed blue porcelain spittoons along one of the capital’s main thoroughfares.

“These spittoons have a decorative function for the street and in the meanwhile, provide a convenient place for people to spit” A reporter named Wang Hong said.

The blue porcelain spittoon story is one of the government’s civilizing efforts, much like their effort to distribute millions of paper spit bags to encourage the “civilized spiting” from Chinese government to push the 2008 Olympic Etiquette Campaign.

The Chinese government’s response to spitting highlights one of many cultural differences between East and West: in China, the problem is not spitting per se, but where to spit.

“It is unhealthy to swallow spit,” one of the Olympic Etiquette advocates says, “so we need to help people spit in a civilized way.”

One has to wonder if there is such thing as “civilized spitting.” Imagine a picture like this – on every street of Beijing, there are some beautiful blue porcelain spittoons and people stick out their neck spitting in them with that big “hock” sound. Does this will help Beijing to shape up the public etiquette image in the eyes of the world?

I am afraid the answer is “No”. How come the related government officials did not simply ask how their Western counterparts or other Chinese societies i.e. Hong Kong and Singapore have had dealt with spitting issue in order to learn from them? Had Chinese officials realized they were making the motherland look like a relic from the early 19th century of the Unite States?

At that time, spittoons became a very common feature of many places, including saloons, hotels, stores, banks, railway carriages, and other places where people (especially adult men) gathered.

"America is one long expectoration." -- Oscar Wilde on his first visit to the United States, 1882

  Use of spittoons in the US was considered an advance of public manners and health, intended to replace previously common spitting on floors, streets, and sidewalks. Many places passed laws against spitting in public other than into a spittoon. After the 1918 flu epidemic, both hygiene and etiquette advocates began to disparage public use of the spittoon, and use began to decline. While it was still not unusual to see spittoons in some public places in parts the US as late as the 1930s, vast numbers of old brass spittoons met their ends in the scrap drives of World War II.  (A

Chicago

courtroom scene, mid 1910s. A spittoon is seen on the floor at bottom right).

Let’s take a look at how spittoons became big in China. Starting from 1949, spittoons were placed at every conceivable public place, and were commonplace in homes as well in China. The mass introduction of spittoons was a public hygiene initiative, motivated by a desire to correct the once common Chinese practice of spitting onto the floor. They were typically made of white porcelain, sometimes with traditional Chinese art painted onto the exterior.

Spittoons were even used during official functions by the political leaders of China; this eventually became a source of ridicule by the mass media outside China. As a response, the spittoons have largely been withdrawn from public spaces in China since the late 1980s.

Deng Xiaoping, who opened up China to the world and was famous for keeping a spittoon handy. Imagine if, Hu Jun Tao had one with him at foreign guest functions to spit at-will. Is there any difference between an ordinary citizen and Hu Jun Tao as it concerns public etiquette? No. Then why should the public continue to be provided with spittoons? Why is spitting still promoted?

It’s not about where to spit. It’s about spitting at all. If the citizens of other countries can refrain from spitting in public places, why shouldn’t we Chinese be able to comprehend similar boundaries? And why is it that the Chinese people in Hong Kong, Singapore, Taiwan, and Macao have been able to adapt their behavior away from spitting while only the mainland Chinese remain wedded to this custom?  (The picture on the left was taken by Vida at Hong Kong Immigration Office in Wan Cai).

Placing the blue porcelain spittoons on the street is not the solution for spitting! If China copies its western counterparts in this matter, there won’t be any patent right issues to worry about. I would propose Chinese government follow Singapore to make spitting in public an unlawful action, therefore, the offenders will be fined.

“Welcome to China, spit as much as you want. We have the world biggest spittoon for you right on the street in our capital.” Said Lu-Chin, Founder of the Pride Institute, ironically. Spittoons have no place in this new “Pacific Century”, other than as a functional tool at dentist’s office or, artifacts in museums or curio shops.

The Opening Remarks at the CAEA Feb. 2007 Event - Celebrating Refined Leadership and Social Civility

True leaders inspire in whatever context they are in. They find some way to balance their responsibilities and master new things. For everyone who leads or aspires to lead, it is important to have role models from which to draw inspiration. China in particular is finally reaching a place of confidence in its development, which allows people to cultivate additional pursuits (golf, travel, cooking) to their daily grind. Tonight we have someone who embodies this sense of refined leadership. Cooking of course has long been seen as both a labor and a love.

Tonight we profile someone who has managed to cultivate his culinary acumen while consistently succeeding in his primary role as an investor. I think you’ll agree that Henry Wong is a rather unique individual who is not only interested in sharing how he prepares a meal or close a deal . . . but in finding new ways from others as well.

CAEA and the Pride Institute are all about celebrating refined leadership wherever it is found. Henry has graciously offered to make the proceeds of this event available to the Pride Institute and we thank him and all of you, for that. Giving is also a part of staying balanced.

The Pride Institute has helped hundreds Chinese individuals to chart a course for a future of social refinement. Lu Chin is another true leader who balances work and family life with the will to give. Not content to simply donate to charity, she built something, from nothing with her own resources and has personally touched the lives hundreds of individuals. Efforts such as hers push the Chinese people forward.

All of us have seen people spitting in the street, littering, being loud and abrasive and felt compelled to say something. But Lu Chin took that compulsion and built a platform around it to train people who want to know better about international standards of public etiquette. Everyone here tonight can and may benefit from this tireless effort of hers.

In conclusion, this is a leadership event about social refinement which has a particular relevance for China. We’re all leaders. We all take these issues seriously and we all showed initiative in getting here. We care about our community and the society we share. With a passion to contribute let’s turn our attention now to Henry who will hopefully stimulate not only our appetites but our discussions on refinement and sharing, as well.

The Opening Remarks at the CAEA 2006 Thanksgiving Dinner

Dear friends: it is a true pleasure to be here with you tonight. Thank you all for coming to help us celebrate our CAEA one-year anniversary and to participate in our annual Thanksgiving event.

As the name suggests Thanksgiving is about giving thanks. I would like to ask each of you to pause for a second and think about something you are really thankful for in your life.

For me, I would like to thank to the tremendous improvement in US-China relations in my life time. It still has a long way to go but it has made dramatic improvement. My husband told me his father made him watch President Nixon resign as little boy, telling him: "Nixon is a criminal." Meanwhile, 10,000 miles away, my parents were telling me "Chairman Mao is a hero. He is a God". My father was in North Korea for over 7 years and fought Americans in the 50s and my step father-in law was there fighting Chinese soldiers. When the Chinese Embassy got boomed in Belgrade and Chinese spoke of "killing Americans" was spreading in Beijing in 1999, my mother in law was so worried. We all cried on the phone.

That day became my first day to pray for the US – China relations. That's the day I realized I'll be always in between the two countries and two cultures. This feeling has been brought even deeper with a process of raising my three children. Balancing and blending the cultural values of the two cultures have become a daily ritual for me as they are for many of you here tonight. CAEA is a platform for us to explore what is essential and what is mutable in Chinese and American business and social protocol and etiquette. We want to pick the best parts of the two cultures for ourselves and our children.

So tonight is an attempt by Chinese and American people to explore the ritual, understand its protocols and discuss what is best to preserve. Preserve for our next generation. This not only helps Chinese people trying to acclimate to life in the US with an important annual function, but it also gives died-in- the-wool Americans a chance to reflect on how others view this very social holiday.

Protocol may sounds like a fancy way of saying rules to you. And etiquette sounds like highbrow way to say manners. But they are chosen by the society with care. They are the opaque sinews that hold together a business or national culture. I say "opaque" because they can be understood, but they aren't obvious. Each of you here tonight, has spent some amount of your life living in another culture, trying to acclimate. You are a select sub- group in the world. Most people will never know this struggle. You can certainly understand that comprehending the "why?" behind how everything works in a new culture is a long and challenging process.

Once you understand what is going on behind the protocols, you can take the pieces that work for you and train and cultivate yourself so that they can become part of you. When the rules become less opaque, you are empowered to be yourself: a unique integration of your host and parent culture.

That's what we're here for.

So here we are at Thanksgiving. It is a wonderful holiday to look at. While it is a quintessentially American holiday, it is, like America itself, remarkably inclusive. CAEA wants to make Thanksgiving dinner its annual event – family and friends coming together acknowledging all they have to be thankful for, and all they still want to achieve. This celebration of tradition is universal to every culture. In particular it symbolizes our common struggle of strengthening US China relations, for ourselves and for the next generation. Look at all we have to be thankful for, and look how far we have to go.

Welcome to our feast!

The Welcoming Remarks at Vincent's Private Dinner

I was very privileged to be a co-MC (Master of Ceremony) at the private cocktail/dinner event for Mr. Vincent Lo, Chairman and CEO of Shui On Group.  Many of the guests offered their great complements to the welcoming remarks which Mr. Tommy Li from Shui On and I had worked out together.  I’d like to share this with every one here in the hope that it will inspire each of us to participate in preserving and building the Chinese civilization with an innovative and entrepreneurial spirit in today’s global economy.

Tommy: Ladies and Gentleman, distinguished guests, it is my pleasure to welcome you this evening to a remarkable event.  My name is Tommy Li.

Vida:  My name is Vida Zhang Fargis.  It’s my pleasure to be here tonight.  Looking out I am glad to see so many familiar faces.  Those of us who live in the Bay Area are so privileged to have an abundance of events at our disposal, testifying to the emergence of Chinese civilization.  Every week there are events from countless of groups focused on this or that aspect or that of China's great modernization. 

Tommy: But I must tell you veterans of Silicon Valley community that tonight is distinct.  Why? 

Vida:  Tonight we have a chance to consider China's modernization in stark contrast.  Tonight we have, if I may, a tale of two cities.  In that I'm not referring to the London or the Paris of Charles Dickens and the 19th century.  I'd like for us, to consider two cities at the heart of the 21st century, Shanghai, and Beijing.  Two cities. 

Tommy: Like many of you, I have lived in both.  They are both fundamental touchstones of the Chinese civilization.   They are international reference points that we all share, irrespective of nationality.

Vida: I met my husband in the prior and I conceived my second child in the latter.  Beijing

is China’s cultural epicenter.  I last lived there in the year 2000, in a refurbished hutong near Jiaodaokou.  A few blocks from our home was the timeless, misty home of courtesouns and court officials from centuries gone by . . . Houhai.  I'm sure many of you have enjoyed a quiet walk around Houhai and Qianhai and marveled at its ability to evoke.  While I was there it was still, somehow preserved. Today . . . Houhai today is, I'm afraid, something very different.  It’s different from what I remembered.  It’s different from what I would expect to see.  One of the premier culture heritage sites our nations’ capital is disappeared.  What you see there today is a collection of noisy bars, flash lights and blatant immodesty.   Heritage disappearing ….

Tommy: Meanwhile, in Dickensian terms, across the Channel, there is another city in modern China.  Like any city worth its name, it is far from perfect.  Shanghai has issues, blights and challenges that could fill a library.  However, there is in that city a marvelous manifestation of modernization, with class.  Emergence with distinction.  Development with dignity.  Shanghai Xin Tian Di, is, as I'm sure any of you who have visited the neighborhood would attest, a marvel of modernization.  Shangahi Xintiandi is a place where East meets West, Old meets New, Tradition meets Inspiration and Culture meets Excitement.  Here is a way forward, which honors the past.  Here is integration where one plus one really is three, or four!  Here is something to aspire to.

Vida: Tonight we welcome Mr. Vincent Lo and Shui On Land, the developer of Shnaghai Xintiandi, who have spear-headed one of the most remarkable contributions to the Chinese Renaissance that I can identify.  Fortunately Vincent and Shui On are ambitious.  Fortunately they do not choose to rest on their laurels.  Fortunately they are leading a new project of even greater ambition now in Shanghai, KIC – Knowledge & Innovation Community.

Tommy: KIC is inspired by the technological innovation and entrepreneurial spirit of Silicon Valley in the United States and the cultural ambience found in the Left Bank of Paris.  Many successful Chinese professionals who work in Silicon Valley have grown accustomed to a life of sophisticated internationalism.  They are sensitive about scarifying this life style when they consider returning to life in mainland China.  Tonight, is significant, because, our hosts introduce to us all this evening, a vision for true intellectual internationalism in mainland China.  KIC is the manifestation of the Silicon Valley vision in Shanghai – Connecting Shang Hai & Silicon Valley! 

Vida: Each of us here tonight are very fortunate to consider Shui On Land’s latest effort on KIC, not only for our own business and personal possibilities, of which there are no doubt many.  But please, pause for a second and join me in welcoming a representative of Chinese civilization who has done more than most to steward development with dignity and integration with the West that teaches at the same time in learns.  Join me in welcoming Mr. Vincent Lo.  

End.

Where do you floss your teeth?

“In the bathroom, of course.”  Said my American friend.

“What is the difference between flossing your teeth and using a toothpick to clean your teeth?”  I asked.

“The motion is different.  One is stretching the string back and forth like a saw and the other is to poke the stuff from between your teeth little by little.” My friend said with a twisting gesture.

“Right.  And what’s the purpose behind both these motions?” I asked.

‘To clean your teeth after a meal, of course.” He said.

“OK, great, would you floss your teeth at a dinner table?” I said.

“No, that’s a bathroom thing.” He said.

‘Then why you use a toothpick at a restaurant?” I asked. 

“Every one does it here in China.  That’s Chinese etiquette.” He said.

Hmmm.  So what’s your interpretation of this story?  Here is what I would say:

If you believe the purpose of using floss as well as the purpose of using a toothpick is, in both cases, to clean your teeth, then you should do them in private.  No one wants to see you taking stuff from your mouth and laying it on the edge of your plate.  You are polluting the setting and ruining a wonderful meal for others. 

Yes, there are many people using toothpicks in restaurants in China, even some top business executives.  Would you say this is Chinese etiquette or a bad old habit like spitting in public?  I pick the latter.  It is a pity for any foreigners to think that using the toothpicks is part of Chinese culture and etiquette and pick stuff from their mouths in front other people.  When you ask if they would do it in their home country, the answer would be “No”.  The reason foreigners do it in China is because they see Chinese people doing it and think that it is part of the local culture.

This is the pitfall of learning and adopting a foreign culture – assuming that you’re fine if you follow the locals. The local Chinese culture is evolving and changing in today’s international, internet age.  What was considered part of Chinese culture may be completely irrelevant in a modern context.  Blindly aping behavior from locals is actually a reflection of ignorance of the real local culture and its fluid progression.

So, my dear American friend, if you don’t floss in front of people, then don’t use toothpicks at any restaurant, even if the toothpicks are packaged beautifully in an embroidered Chinese lady’s shoe as shown below.

Chinese Modesty or Fishing-for-Compliments?

I went to a parent – teacher conference at my son’s school last night.  There were six parents sitting at a table with one schoolteacher, (let’s call her Ms. Teacher) in attendance.  “Ms. Teacher” is an American and the school is an American curriculum high school in Hong Kong.

“How’s my son?” One of the Chinese parents asked Ms. Teacher.

“He’s a terrible senior student, right?” said the parent again before getting any reply form the teacher.

“How could say your own son is terrible?  He is your son.”  Someone said with a laughing voice in a Middle Eastern accent. 

Every one laughed.  But the parent who asked the question looked very serious waiting for an answer from Ms. Teacher.

“He’s doing great.  He is very social, and he works hard.”  Said Ms Teacher with enthusiasm and encouragement.

As someone who is almost addicted to observe any and all intercultural events, I asked Ms. Teacher how she felt about this parent’s modest question.

“Ho, I’ve been in Hong Kong for about 35 years and quite used to deal with Chinese parents.  That’s not really Chinese modesty.  Instead, I think he was fishing for a compliment.  What he wanted to hear is how good his son is.” Said Ms. Teacher.

Do we outwardly insist upon the worst in the hopes of confirming something better?  I’d be interested to know what you think.

Is This Chinese Candor or a Cultural Handicap?

Pam, a good friend of mine recently came back to the Bay Area from Taiwan with her family.  She told me that her daughter had a tough time in Taiwan.

“How come?” I asked.

“People are too direct.  In Taiwan they tell her right in front of her face that she’s fat and needs to lose weight.” Pam said.

“Oh no. Don’t say that . . .”  I said, shaking head with desperation.  Regrettably, I know just what she means.   

“My family said this to her.  My friends used this language too. People I didn’t even know on the street told her she was fat.  It’s so terrible, rude and cruel to use such language to a nine year-old girl.  Why do they do that?  I hate it, hate it hate it!” Pam said with anger and desperation.

I TOTALLY hear you Pam.  I share your pain as a mother.  I too struggle as someone who lives between two cultures.

In my own life I’ve experienced similar rudeness with my older five-year old daughter after we moved to Hong Kong from San Francisco.

Story one:

A few days in a row, my daughter came home saying the Chinese words for “big fat” (Da Pang Zi).  I asked here where she learned these words.

“People in the play ground said I am a Da Pang Zi.” She told me.

Story two:

My babysitter told me that some people had said that my younger daughter is prettier than my older one in the play ground right in front of my older daughter.

“Mom, do you think Siena (my younger daughter) is really prettier than me?” My older daughter asked me with a sad tone.

Needless to say, I am mad and angry with these oafs who choose their words so carelessly.  Sometimes it does feel hopeless, trying to protect my children from this sort of Chinese bluntness in the vast world of Greater China.

“My mom said people do this is out of good will.  They hope you will look better.  They mean nothing harmful.” My friend Pam said.

As matter of fact, these people have hurt Pam, me and our daughters with something they are not even aware of.  They may not know any better, but they are abusive, nonetheless.

“It seems people there (Taiwan) have less tolerance of other people’s differences.  I feel like we have a different sense of what is right and what is wrong.” Pam said.

I think that’s absolutely true.  My perceptions of what is acceptable have been fundamentally altered by my time outside of Greater China.  With regards to my daughter’s case it is simply ridiculous for anyone to use the word “fat”.  She’s tall for her age and looks as if she’s seven when she is in fact only five.  She seems big, particularly compared to most of the Chinese kids who are relatively smaller physically.  Needless to say she is gorgeous in her own way, just as my younger daughter is.  Each have their own unique beautiful features and comparing on relative beauty is a waste of oxygen.   

I am speaking for myself and for my friend Pam.  We were hurt in a manner, which is nearly impossible to describe as a mother.  Accordingly, I’d like to call for a cultural moratorium on adults using derogatory language when they speak to children.  It’s not only Chinese who do this of course.  But we can collectively ask ourselves for a higher standard of mutual support and discretion.

I would like to see all the relevant media organs: TV, radio, magazines, newspapers, web ports, etc., in Taiwan, Hong Kong & Mainland China to ask for a higher standard from our civilization.  The message should be –

No one has the right to put a child down, period.  Stop using such language!

People like Pam and myself grew up within a culture where we hear people said things like this all the time, but somehow, we learned how to deal with it as adults.  We’re familiar with it and we can filter out such put-down.   We have our own immunization system to protect us from idiotic words like this.  .

But how can you expect a young child of five or nine to protect herself from it?

Don’t a husband and wife have to sit next to each other at a business function?

I think you’d likely have a quick answer to that question. “No.” You’d probably laugh if you were pressed by a guest with this type of question at an event. Seating next to your spouse should never be assumed.

However, it isn’t obvious to everyone, as I’ll explain. For those of us who consider questions of etiquette and protocol in an intercultural context, it is particularly important, to avoid these sorts of assumptions.

According to Western context and international diplomatic protocol, seating of guests proceeds according to relative importance, not gender. Letitia Baldrige, who was served in the American embassies in Paris and Rome, and was Jacqueline Kennedy’s Chief of Staff, recommends to following with regards to seating: “the sexes seated alternatively, husbands and wives separated (even at separate tables), with the priorities of protocol. For a meal with spouses, each person’s spouse assumes the rank of his or her mate and is given a “high seat” accordingly.”

Ms. Baldridge continues, that this is a standard procedure with for all Western countries and one that has been adopted by many other cultures internationally, when foreign visitors are present.

Recently I helped to plan and organize a high profile event in Silicon Valley. At the last minute there was a request from someone who wanted to sit next to her husband. She had been provided seating at a different table. My team and I tried our best to meet this guest’s request but at the same time, we were reluctant to disrupt something, which had been so carefully planned. There were a pre-set number of guests at each table. This seemingly “small” request from one guest would actually require explanation and impose inconvenience on all the other people who would have to be moved and shifted to accommodate this person.

While we were wondering why it was this guest wanted to sit next to her husband, someone suggested: “She’s Chinese and not used to the Western style of seating arrangement.”

I thought about that for some time. The event was taking place in Silicon Valley, thought it was hosted by a Chinese company and over 80% of the guests were of Chinese decent. So how do we assert one idea of protocol over another?

While I am not going to comment on whether cultural background is the root cause of this particular example, I would say, that it is better to confirm with all the guests who are coming as couples, before the event and to explain the seating arrangement. In my experience this is particularly important when we dealing with an international clientele. Let the guests know the particulars of the arrangement and why it is structured this way. When providing the explanation, be careful to do it in a way that speaks to the sophistication of everyone involved, particularly those who may already well-understand this custom.